It's Just Asthma

3 people die every day in the UK because of asthma (www.asthma.org.uk). Asthma is not just being short of breath. Imagine trying to run a marathon while breathing through a straw. Well that's what it can be like everyday for an asthma sufferer. Imagine gasping for air as your body goes into shock, unable to call or ask for help. That's what an attack feels like. Asthma at its very worst can be debilitating. 

Of the people diagnosed with asthma only 5% are diagnosed with severe asthma. What's the difference? A person with mild to medium asthma is able to live a relatively normal life while controlling the disease with daily medication and therapy. They will still suffer from the normal triggers and occasional asthma attacks, but the recovery period and response to drugs is relatively good. A person with severe asthma is known as "therapy resistant". They do not respond to drugs and therapy making the asthma extremely difficult to control - every day is lived with a fear of another attack which can be brought on by the tiniest of things. Laughter, walking and talking at the same time, climbing up the stairs, a whiff of perfume. People suffering with severe asthma will know just how serious the disease is. All too often you hear people say "it's just asthma"... and I was one of them. 

So why am I writing about asthma? Because I have it. I was diagnosed with asthma when I was 18 and have learned to live with it throughout my adult life. It started off as the occasional bout of wheezing or coughing brought on by the usual triggers (pet dander, pollen...). But in recent years it has gotten worse. Controlling it seems to be getting harder and harder. I have been hospitalized 4 times in just as many years. Two of those times being extremely serious - not just a case of being monitored after an attack. As silly as this may sound, I'm embarrassed by it. So I'm writing this in part to admit to myself how serious a disease asthma really is, but also in hoping that someone else that might read this may be able to relate to it. 

A week ago I was admitted to hospital for 3 days following a serious asthma attack. I had gone to bed on Monday night with a cold, by Tuesday morning I woke up wheezing, so I took my emergency inhaler but it made little difference. Still, I continued to get ready for work, but my chest and throat became tighter and tighter and taking the inhaler made no difference at all. I couldn't get enough breath in me to speak and my heart was racing. Zach called for an ambulance... 

Before I go on, allow me to briefly explain what happens during a serious attack. First, your lungs close up, it's hard to push air out so you use all your strength to heave out some air just so you can pull some back in. It exhausts you. Your lungs continue to tighten causing your chest to tighten sorely, each tiny whiff of air you get hurts. Your throat closes, like someone is wrapping their hands around it as tight as they can. Your heart beat starts to race faster and faster as it tries to keep oxygenated blood flowing. Slowly your body will start reserving blood by pumping less to your fingers and toes, legs and arms as it's being used to keep your vital organs functioning - your brain, kidneys, liver and so on. This causes your hands and feet to become numb and feel pins and needles. If you don't get help quickly a severe attack can result in death. 

So this is what happened to me when I was admitted to hospital. I was immediately put on nebulizers and oxygen, a magnesium drip and given all kinds of shots. The nebulizers helped open my airways some and I was able to get some air through my lungs - though not easily. But my heart rate would not slow down. A normal heart rate is between 60 and 100 bpm (beats per minute). I was at 157. It was over 24 hours before it went down to 117 bpm. My breathing continued to struggle, but any more nebulizers would only exasperate my heart beat more, which will make breathing harder... it's a cycle, so I was put on a breathing machine with tubes down my throat. My lungs were pumped on a steady flow. Eventually I was able to breath on my own and was kept in for monitoring. 

During this time I received some upsetting news. Not only did my GP doctor have me on the wrong treatment for the last 2 years, she'd also been sending the wrong information to the Asthma Care Clinic where they were looking into my case about my medical history. It's hard enough to deal with having asthma, but when you find out the person you trust to help you has only made it worse, upsetting is an understatement in how you feel. I was angry, upset, scared and anxious. I was very lucky - it was by fluke that the doctor treating me in hospital happened to pick up on all this by taking the time to ask me questions and really listening to me. Anyone living in the UK will not be unfamiliar with stories of GP failure. You just never think it will happen to you. Had it not been for him I'd probably still be on the wrong drugs and keeping the affects of asthma I suffer a secret. 

Why keep it a secret? To be blunt, I felt embarrassed. Like most people I thought asthma was 'just getting a bit out of breath' - so why was I getting out of breath and then some? Why does it take me 2 or 3 weeks to get over a cold while it takes everyone else 2 or 3 days? I felt embarrassed not being able to keep up with others when climbing up several flights of stairs. I'm only 32, I shouldn't be this way. I should be able to laugh without catching a wheeze! Everyone else I know who is my age is fit, healthy - doesn't have to think twice before sprinting for a bus. And here I am... in what I thought of as a sorry state. 

Add to that the common perception of 'it's just asthma"  - I felt like telling people what I actually go through will come across as exaggeration, over reacting to what I have, or a ploy for sympathy. It didn't help that these were the reactions I received in the past from people (including my GP!). So I kept saying I'm ok, it's just asthma, I can deal with it. Somehow I felt like people would think it's my fault. That I didn't exercise enough or eat a healthy diet - when in fact I do both these things and more to stay as healthy as I can. 

It got to a point where even at work I was trying to hide any inkling of asthmatic symptoms. I would leave my desk to take my inhaler in privacy. I'd suppress the need to cough or sneeze because I knew it will be followed by shortness of breath. Sometimes I'd go outside just to take a deep breath (even now I'd give anything just to be able to take a long deep breath and actually feel the air in my lungs). A couple of weeks ago we had our annual charity walk (an 11 mile walk to help raise reading awareness). I took part last year, but this year I declined. I said it was because I wanted to take advantage of a quiet office to get certain tasks done. While that was true, what I didn't tell my colleagues is that I also didn't take part because I knew having to walk and talk at the same time I was sure to wheeze the whole way through. I didn't want them thinking I can't even walk for a while without panting. Now I know if I were just walking in silence I'd have no problem, but you can hardly walk in silence when you are with friends and colleagues, right? Even if they knew why it would just feel wrong. 

It also happens that since I started the job I'm in now is also the same period of time that my asthma has been getting progressively worse. So I feel like my time at Penguin has been a string of hospital visits and bad asthma attacks resulting in time off. Even I was beginning to think of myself as that employee that's always off sick (even if it was just one day after months). If I thought that way about myself I could only imagine what my colleagues thought... more importantly my boss. I was feeling increasingly embarrassed and ashamed, always saying I'm ok when I knew I was't because I was worried of what people will think of me. 

I'm now beginning to understand that having asthma is nothing to be ashamed of. It's not something I brought onto myself, nor did I do anything to exasperate it to result in severe asthma. It's just the way my body is. The best I can do is try to manage it and get the best treatment possible (often easier said than done due to the NHS post code lottery). So begins a new path of new drugs, new therapy and a new GP - with the help of a case worker from the asthmatics clinic. Support I never had before. 

It's also time to be honest and up front about my asthma and how bad it is - which doesn't mean it will always be bad if I am on the right treatment. I know people will still have preconceptions about what asthma is, but it's time for me to get past what they might think. 

I don't think I'm the only person to feel embarrassed about a health condition they have, but by sharing this I hope those that know me will be a little more understanding of me.